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Jokes for Philosophers: Phonydiploma.com

There are different jokes for different people. Specialty jokes like “Jokes for Scientists” or “Jokes for Dentists” may not be funny to people who are neither scientists nor dentists, but very funny for them who know understand them. Sometimes, these are just jokes to poke some fun on others. For those people who like to think for a laugh, or a chuckle, here are some “Jokes for Philosophers”

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there’s an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: Unfortunately, they're both wrong.

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Question: What is a new philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in the first job interview?
Answer: "Would you want French fries with that?"

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A boy is about to go on his first date so he’s understandably nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy and his date go to a soda fountain. As their ice cream sodas are melting, they stare at each other, without knowing what to say. Just then, the boy comes up with the first question: "Do you like potato pancakes?" The girl replies "No," and they were quite again.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the boy continues with the second question: "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl replies "No" and they were engulfed in a cloud of silence again.

With no other alternative, the boy asks the girl the third question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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Question: What’s the outcome of crossing a philosopher with the Godfather?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

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Jean-Paul Sartre was revising his draft of Being and Nothingness in a café when he felt the urge for a cup of coffee. Signaling the waitress, he said, "Please bring me a cup of coffee, without cream." The waitress replied, "Pardon me, monsieur, but there’s no more cream. Can you take it without milk?"

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Q: How many philosophers are required to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One philosopher will change the bulb and two philosophers to hypothesize about the existence of the light bulb.

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Question: Why is the solipsist so very unhappy?

Answer: Everybody seems to be of the opinion that his arguments are totally invalid.

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Question: How can anyone get a philosopher off the porch?

Answer: Offer to pay for the pizza.

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Question: What's the major difference between a great philosopher and a great engineer?

Answer: About $100,000 per year.

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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? 
"Hmmm... it’s very interesting…" 
"Please define 'light bulb'..." 
"Are you certain it needs to be changed?"

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From Russell's On Denoting:
By the law of excluded middle, either "A is B" or "A is not B" must be true. Hence either "the present King of France is bald" or "the present King of France is not bald" must be true. Yet if we enumerated the things that are bald, and then the things that are not bald, we should not find the present King of France in either list. Hegelians, who love a synthesis, will probably conclude that he wears a wig.

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An engineer, an economist, a physicist, and a philosopher are journeying through the hills of Scotland. When they reach the top, they spot a black sheep. 
Immediately, the engineer remarks, "The sheep in Scotland are black." 
"It’s nonsense!", proclaims the economist. "At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."
The physicist thinks for a moment. "That's not entirely true. The truth is that there's at least one sheep which is black from one side." 
"Well, that's definitely not the Truth," interjects the philosopher. "There’s something describable as a 'sheep' that seems to be ‘black’ from one side..."

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A desperate philosophy major went everywhere, searching for employment. With no other option, he accepted a job at the zoo, where he had to play a bear in a costume. Locked up in a cage, his job was to act like a bear to entertain the visitors. It’s a simple but humbling job for a philosophy major.

On his first day, he was terrified when another bear was brought into the cage. As the bear approached him, the philosophy major almost wet his pants and almost fainted when he heard the bear say, “There’s no need to be afraid. I’m also a philosophy major.”

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One day, the great philosopher Socrates bumped into a friend who excitedly said, "Socrates! I want to tell you something about one of your students!"
"Relax, my friend," Socrates responded. "Before you tell me this news that you seem so eager to tell, you would have to pass a little test. It's my own little invention called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the friend.
"That's absolutely right," Socrates continued. "To analyze if it’s worth telling, it has to be filtered. Truth is the first filter. Are you undoubtedly sure that it’s the Truth, and nothing but the Truth?"
"No," the man said, "actually I heard it through the..."
"Grapevine?” enquired Socrates. "So… you aren’t sure if it's true or not. Goodness is the second filter. Think for a moment. Is it something good?"
"No, it’s rather..."
"Bad?” Socrates hypothesized, "you want to tell me some bad news which may be false?"
Noticing that his friend was now a little red in the face, Socrates said, "It’s not a problem. There’s still a chance that you may pass the test. Usefulness is the third filter. Is the information useful to me?"
"Err…"
"Enough,” Socrates continued. "If the information is possibly false, definitely bad, and totally useless, there’s absolutely no reason why I would want to hear about it."
Defeated and ashamed, the man finally understood why Socrates was such a great philosopher though he never discovered that Plato was shagging his wife.

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To discover the grand meaning of life, a philosopher locked himself in a closet for a little more than 10 years. Emerging from the closet, he bumped into an old friend who had been looking for him all those years.

“Where have you been? It’s been so long!”
"All this time, I was in a closet," he answered. "I have to find out the true meaning of life."
"Wow! That’s real neat. Can you tell me? I have been asking the question a lot lately."
"Yes," he replied. "It’s simple. Life is like a TV."
"That’s so cool," said his friend, "but please enlighten me a little. Explain how life is like a TV?"
After some thinking, the philosopher said, "Yes, you are absolutely right. Perhaps, life is not like a TV."

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How philosophers do it...

Philosophers do it deeper.
Philosophers do it a posteriori.
Philosophers do it consistently.
Philosophers do it conceptually.
Philosophers do it for pure reasons.
Philosophers do it with their minds.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Philosophers wonder why they did it.

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One day, an existentialist ran into a hole and his tire punctured, on an extremely busy street. Do you know what he did? Holding his head, he just sat in his car, repeating. "The spare, I only reach the spare."